#41
03/24/2008 07:03:00

Unfortunately, i could see this journal becoming a place to be passive aggressive - saying mean thing to my Master that i will recant later and say that i didn't mean. i can be a dick that way.

#42
03/24/2008 07:04:00

Here's a term i hate: the "slave heart". i liked the term when i first heard it. To me, it felt right - it identified that there are some people in this world who are weird, and who have a bizarre need to serve other people and to be controlled. i think i fit into that category. So the idea that someone had a "slave heart" instead of a fetish or a bad brain really appealed to me.

However, as time went on, i realize that the term is almost always used in the pejorative. Someone will be judged or dismissed as not having a slave heart, and therefore, not worthy of carrying on a conversation with.

Person #1: i don't think someone should be slapped every time they ask a question.

Person #2: Well then, I guess you aren't really a slave... are you?

#43
03/24/2008 12:58:00

i was furious at my partner because he wouldn't sign the Slave Contract. Instead, he said he needed to think about it. Well, two weeks have gone by now, and he still hasn't done anything. Daily, i would ask him if he wanted to talk about it, if he had any issues, if he could make changes so i could update a new draft that was acceptable for him to sign. But time goes on, and nothing happened. My partner never seemed to find the effort needed to do this thing for me. i explained how much this new Master/slave relationship means to me, that the Master said we couldn't start training until a contract was signed, and that this open relationship is the last straw for our fourteen year marriage. i am tired of years of not getting what i need, and i am seriously thinking of moving out on a weekly basis. My partner's inability to sign the contract was further proof that he doesn't really care about my happiness and well-being, and that i would be better off without him so i can pursue a healthy and satisfying relationship.

Well, to my surprise, it turns out that the Master is the one who told my partner not to sign the contract. To take more time, to drag out this process. This is another test. The first test were the games the Master played on the internet - the weeks and months of sending cryptic emails and non-responses to string the prospective slave along. This second test is a game to "beat down" the slave and get him to remove his self-worth and become humble. Well, i think a lot, and i actually like mind games, particularly when i know we are playing one. it's like a Zen puzzle, where there is a riddle with a single correct answer. My job now is to keep trying different things until i find the solution, or until the Master gives up.

i'm not sure yet what i'm supposed to do here. i think i should send a series of pathetic emails, each one more frantic than the last, asking the Master why we aren't training yet, and what i can do to please Him to get things rolling. i think i should beg on the telephone, calling at late hours and leaving long voice messages that i miss Him and wish i could serve Him. Meanwhile, i could cheat on the side and find a Master who will play with me sexually. i'll try not to slide into depression - i have been really sad for the last two days. i'll start working out again and lose weight... even if i am too old to be a slave, maybe i can be thin and muscular so some Master will take pity on me someday. That's my plan for the next week or so. Eventually, this new game will end, with either a success or failure.

#44
03/24/2008 19:02:00

Hello... i am Patrick Kellogg: the codependent hyperactive passive-aggressive attention-deficit-disorder slave.

Well damn. i really have to apologize. The theory made so much sense at the time. My partner told me that the current waiting state was part of a test and i believed him.

This is from yesterday: "Meanwhile, i could cheat on the side and find a Master who will play with me sexually". i regret this sentence. It was a cheap shot, and i said it to make my Master feel bad. In other words, "Fuck me or i will find someone else who will." It was an immature and rude thing to say.

Plus, it is not true... cheating isn't really "me". As i promised in the Contract, if i had a problem with any order, i would talk it over first. Before i went to another Master for sex, i would ask permission. i would explain any motivation or underlying thoughts behind the request. And if the answer was "no" i would live by that, until i could not. And then i would make a very hard decision. But i wouldn't cheat.

So why do i say things like that? At the time, i think i was angry because i thought i was being "played". i thought that i was losing a mindgame, and i felt sad and abused mentally. Still... lashing out at my Master because i am depressed is a really asshole thing to do. i pride myself on being clever, and i know many ways of saying insults so they don't sound like insults. i know what i am doing: i am pushing my Master because i want to be pushed back. i want to be punished and corrected. i want more control. This is like topping from the bottom - it is emotional abuse right back at my Master, and i want to be bigger than that.

#45
03/24/2008 19:08:00

My friend Mathan said this today: "for the past 4 years I've been in a kinky relationship, I have kinky sex and even when jacking off I have my orders, i.e. jack off with tit clamps, a butt plug, a ball stretcher while padding my nuts." Oh god.. really? A Master would make the boy hurt himself even while they aren't together? Man, that blows my mind. i fantasize about a Master to control me that way.

Then i came across this: http://video.xtube.com/watch.php?v_user_id=cubsub&cv=0&idx=6&v=HxTYv_G115_&cl=va0an_G115_&from=&ver=2

i ended up spilling my load a second time. i didn't cum all last week by masturbating, and now yesterday and today i am back to 4-5 times a day. For some reason, this makes me kind of sad.

#46
03/25/2008 21:38:00

i went over to my Master's house. And we talked. Or rather... i talked. Maybe too much (i need to work on the submissive part about listening a lot more and be open to His teaching rather than ramble on. But that's another story). i communicated with Him that i have a need and desire to be controlled by Him. i want orders, i want direction. i just want to feel His touch and His power. And He got out a towel, and ordered me to kneel.

Man, that's it. We actually didn't do anything further. There wasn't a scene. But there didn't need to be. i was secure and happy knowing that He can control me at any time. He knew about my kinky desires and instead of hating me for my lust, He was going to indulge me. Connect with me that way. We didn't do anything sexual tonight. Some service and a lot of discussion. But i am a happy happy boy right now.

Weird, isn't it? Just by being told to kneel?

#47
03/31/2008 24:48:00

#48
03/31/2008 24:49:00

#49
03/31/2008 24:50:00

i get a lot out of my existing relationships:

From my partner. Wow, what an incredible companion. i get security, serenity, and completeness. And love, lots and lots of love.

From my friends, i get the stuff my partner doesn't do: gossip about fun and funky music, theater, books, pop culture. And i am trying something new - sexy and physical gay friendships... the kind of modern "fuckbuddy" that treats sex as an extension of our masculinity and connection as gay men, rather than a huge hang-up and emotional issue to be solved.

From family, a sense of belonging and history and place. From coworkers, intellectual challenge, and a sense of contributing to the country. My sports teams give me teamwork and health. From the internet, debate and gossip, news and novelty. i currently don't have an outlet for my art (music and writing) or spirituality (atheism and humanism), but maybe i'll work on that.

And what about the part of my life that was missing? My Master. Well, the correct answer is i have a need to serve. But that's not the whole answer in this case. i serve my current partner a lot. i cook food that i don't want to eat, and clean a house that i wouldn't have created by myself. i know about service, trust me.

What i get from being a slave is a whole lot more. Sex, sure. The sex as a slave is fucking incredible. It makes all the other fooling around and play that i've done over the last 15 years seem so stupid and pointless. But the major thing i get from slavery is submission. Complete physical and mental subjugation to another person. Letting go, and taking down all the barriers and blocks that separate me from the rest of humanity. That's absolutely amazing.

My worry is that my slavery will be all about service, and that won't be enough for me, because it will be just more of the same - a recreation of a relationship i already have. i don't need cuddling. i don't need to be useful. i understand that my Master has needs, and i am happy to provide service to Him. It's great. But i crave the other stuff about slavery. Humbleness, force, control. Lessons learned, and punishment.

#50
03/31/2008 24:51:00

My Master asked me, "am i getting what i want"?

The answer is Yes. Definitely Yes. i am a slave, and i have a Master. Can i tell You how amazing that is? If this Master desired to terminate our training contract, i would be emailing trying to find a Master the next day. This is who i am, and what i need. i love to serve Him and make Him happy.

The more complex issue is if i can tame my confused mind. i am new to being a slave, and it's so exciting that i want it all. And i want it right now. i want heavy pain scenes. Days of mummification. Sessions with every bondage and S&M device known to man, and several new ones not yet invented. And i want it all by noon tomorrow.

#51
03/31/2008 24:52:00

Part of me is still in love with my first Master JW. He started me on this journey, and gave me the nudge (and a weekend of His time). i'd still love to serve Him again - i feel i have to pay Him back somehow. Before we net, He had me refrain from cumming for 10 days. So, by the time i saw him, i was a raging pent-up walking erection.

Now, i don't want to criticize His teaching style, but my first morning of service, He edged me and then told me to put my clothes on to go to a conference. i sat through a lecture on Master/slave relationships, and i was absolutely levitating. i was quivering in my chair, not concentrating on what the lecturer was saying. All i could think about was wanting to be with my Master alone in the hotel room again. My mind was racing, and i was wishing i was playing rugby, riding a bull, anything violent so the pain and rush of adrenaline would replace the horrible task of trying to sit still.

i am feeling a little bit of that way right now. My current Master has lectured me on the principles of service and how to be a complete and whole slave. And He's right, and He's smart, but i worry that i am not strong enough to learn that lesson right now. i crave a beating - the simplicity of being naked in a dungeon and mindlessly following orders. No strong tricky emotions, no tough answers. My mind isn't is unsettled, and i fear that i am not ready to be a slave until i get something out of my system. But what that is i don't know.

#52
04/01/2008 09:37:00

Last night, my Master beat a lesson into me. And it was wonderful.

My favorite part is when He said, "I don't want to hear a sound." Of course, i failed at that: i whimpered and cried out, and was quickly begging His mercy.

The first beating was odd. i didn't know where it was going. He didn't seem like he was having a good time - He was simply responding to my pleas in the past to be beaten, and was giving me exactly what i asked for. But it was kind of an empty "scene". i guess there was a lesson learned, but there was an uncomfortable atmosphere.

But then i found the Master's riding crop for Him, and things really improved. He was asking me questions, and i was trying to answer quickly and correctly and honestly. It was that real challenge that i was searching for - trying to think clearly and not to lie, but at the same time with a real fear of the crop. i think He had a lot of fun too. i think that this method of training/testing will be used in the future - it was really effective, and i liked the power exchange and Dominant/submissive dynamic we created.

Of course, i have to beat a horse to death, so here's a criticism: i hate the way my body betrays me... i was lifting a leg up to protect myself from the crop, or trying to cover my ass with my hands. Bouncing off the bed out of position. And at that minute, i felt like a bad slave. i wasn't taking the beating, and i felt like i was getting away with a lot. i am new to this kind of punishment, so i am not sure how to correct my behavior in the future. Tie me to the bed? Give me more lashings if i move or cry out? i think i would like to be trained to take pain in any way the Master wishes me to: quiet or loud or bouncy or very very still.

#53
04/01/2008 09:38:00

When i first started playing rugby, i didn't know what i was doing. i charged foolheartedly into every ruck and maul, even when i was "one too many" and not helping things. Now, i am a lot more tentative. Before plunging in headfirst into a pile, i stop a think. In rugby this is deadly - i lose momentum and speed. So, in many ways, i was a better rugby player before i started to learn.

Zen practioners call this the "beginner mind". Think about shooting a bow and arrow as a child... they notch the arrow, and pull in back without thinking. After taking many lessons, a skilled archer will start thinking about aim, breathing, and a thousand other things that invade the mind. Zen study is all about getting back to that "thoughtless" stage where things were so easy and you could just let the arrow fly.

That's where i am this week as a slave. For some reason, things were so much easier last year. i simply stripped naked and "did whatever the nice man told me to do". Now, i'm thinking way too much: watching myself to see how i am performing, what i am thinking about, how the Master is looking and behaving. i had a *really* hard time getting into a submissive state of mind during the dinner party, and i am feeling a little bit of that right now.

i am having trouble "switching gears"... being a chatty friend and companion one minute and then a kneeling slave the next. One of my bad patterns is to take a rough Master (like my partner Michael), and then ingratiate myself as a lover and boyfriend, to the point that our relationship isn't about Master/slave but more of a connection of equals. Unfortunately, this castrates the Top - turning Him into a lovable sexless teddy bear that i can hug and lavish affection on, but who doesn't exite me erotically in the least. i am afraid that is my normal plan of action in BDSM relationships.

i am not sure about how to fix this. Right now, i am still a beginning slave, and i like clear definitions about the situtation. For example, an announcement by the Master that "Now the punishment will start," or, "just sit by me for a second and relax." i don't know how to be a slave *and* a companion at the same time. i think i forget my position too easy, and turn into a gossiping girl reclining on the sofa telling stories to my Master.

#54
04/02/2008 21:50:00

Today in a yahoo newsgroup called http://community.livejournal.com/living_d_s/ someone asked the question:

When needed, what discipline techniques do you implement to inhibit inappropriate behavior? Do you use punishment as a means of teaching unacceptable behavior? If so, do you use physical punishment: hitting, etc? Or verbal punishment: harsh and cruel words, humiliating, badgerimg or ridiculing, etc? Both? Neither - some other method?

And i gave my opinion:

A previous Master i served thought it was important that the punishment was something we *both* dislike. For me, it had to be a true and useful punishment to change my behavior. For Him, it couldn't be something He enjoyed (like giving a spanking), because He worried that He'd enjoy my bad behavior and encourage it. He'd like it when i misbehvaed, because then He could spank me. This could lead to a dangerous cycle.

We talked about a lot of things for punishment. Time outs were great, because they gave us both some breathing room. Since they broke up the momentum of the scene (or weekend, or whatever), we both disliked them. i'd often spend the time-out in painful bondage or soap in my mouth. The other thing we both disliked was cross-dressing. i don't have a problem with other people doing it... i just don't find it arousing. Humiliating in an annoying way. That was the "nuclear option", reserved for the worst infractions.

#55
04/03/2008 15:04:00

Today is "punishment day". i am not exactly sure what this will be like. So, i have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Reasons i love punishment:

1. Attention! My Master will give me attention for a few minutes. And that's wonderful.
2. The relationship works. Him giving me punishment is proof that he cares about me and my behavior. If we didn't have a healthy Master/spave relationship, he'd let me get away with anything. The Master's Creed says, "When it comes to teaching his submissive their lessons of obedience, he is a strong and unyielding professor. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from his student." That means a lot to me, and it's a promise from Him to me. Also, "Never does he use discipline without a good reason. When he does it is always with a knowledgeable and a careful hand."
3. I love new experiences. And getting punished is new and exciting to me. i wonder what it will be like.
4. i like challenges. i like to try to endure, to force my mind and body through the tough parts with a Master's guidance.

Reasons i hate punishment:

1. It's painful. And i really don't like pain. Sometimes, i can get into a floaty erotic pain, if it builds slowly and it combined with a lot of sexual stimuation. But today won't be that kind of pain.
2. It's punishment. It means that i misbehaved and disobeyed the Master. And i take this stuff seriously - it makes me feel really bad that i would need to be punished. i told the Master that i would never willingly choose punishment. i would never say, "i'm going to to what i want... i'll take the spankings later." In my mind, that would mean that i am not a slave. There is no choice in obedience. It is what i do. i don't get to choose "door number 2".
3. Failure. i'm not very good at taking punishment. Physically, i haven't really played much with pain, and i'm not very good at channeling it. But also mentally, i'm worried i'll go into a depression or mental spiral. i already feel bad that the Master seems need to have to punish me, and i don't want to feel like a bad boy.
4. The riding crop. i'm kind of scared of the riding crop. It hurts a lot. And my ass is still purple from Monday night.

#56
04/04/2008 08:01:00

Well, the punishment was shure arful... i feel terrible

You see my Master's whole report here. Naturally, i agree with everything He said. But also, naturally, i want to quibble as a sort of justification and rationalization:

First, i *definitely* want to continue being His slave. As i said, this is who i am, and this is what i do. i will strive HARD to be a better slave worthy of His time and attention. Over the next week, i will do all my daily and weekly orders. i don't find them onerous - in fact i kind of like them.

The Boy Rule i have the biggest problem with is rule #13 on faithfulness. i blame the problem on layers and layers of insecurity. i am (surprisingly) new at picking up guys and arranging playdates. So, i put the new tricks before my Master's wishes. i hope that i can do a few playdates as an example, and then i will understand and be comfortable with what my Master wishes for me. For example, i go out to dinner Saturday with a friend. i tell him about my slave status. We decide to go back to my hotel, and i call my Master for permission. He's not answering. Do i say goodnight to the guy? Or keep him waiting until i can get permission? What if my Master says no? How mortifying to look like this weird cocktease that invites guys out to dinner and then sex, only to cancel at the last minute. i wouldn't like someone to do that to me. Hrm... let's see how this goes this weekend.

As a 14 year relationship, i still tend to put Michael first in my life. i don't know if i can change that - i don't know if i want to. i love the guy with all my heart... and even when being beaten bloody in the dungeon by another Master, my eyes will return to Michael to see if he is doing ok, if he has a boy to play with himself, if he has a drink in his hand. i can't get over the big lug. But at the same time, i can't serve two Masters at once, and i have to think long and hard on this this week.

It's a little unfair to say i stopped last night's punishment session because i had to give a friend $300. And additional feeling was that the session was fully complete: i confessed, discussed, and received punishment. It was a perfect evening, and i thank my Master for giving me the attention and correction. i repeat: i will do better. For Him.

Ouch. The thing that hurts the most is the "Master's Observations" at the end. "Patrick is nothing more than a spoiled, rich kid, use to getting his way as well as a very smart man who is highly skilled in justification." Ooof. "Unfortunately, the Master has discovered Patrick to be a liar when it suits his purpose, thus making Patrick a viable candidate to become a member of his household at the present time." Owie - and i imagine the Master means NOT viable there. "Although Patrick states he wishes to become a slave to a Master, he lacks the capacity to become one." Oh God... kill me now. But then at the end, my Master says i am a "good man with a good heart". So maybe there is hope for me yet.

#57
04/05/2008 21:57:00

i still think of Boy Rule #13 as a puzzle that i can't quite figure out. There are many ways that i think the tule should be followed. But none of them have fit my Master's approval yet. So, i will keep trying:

1. No sex

My primary partner wishes i was monogamous. And this is an easy solution: refrain from sex with ANYBODY except for my partner and my Master. This eliminates any problem with Rule #13, but it violates the affirmation that i should make myself happy before i can make my Master happy. It's a cop out, and without sex i will become bitter. It would take more strength to find a way to make Rule #13 work.

2. Inform the Master when i meet someone i want to have sex with

This was my idea by creating http://www.mudcub.com/misc/partners.htm. i would let my Master know anybody that i want to play with, and provide descriptions of the man and waht contact had been made so far. i thought this was a proactive approach, and would let the Master know what i was thinking. Transparency. However, my Master doesn't seem to like this approach, and has never mentioned the website.

3. Call the Master when play is set up

If a prospective partner wants to get together, i would immediately tell my Master before agreeing. i thought this was a good idea. However, He seemed upset when i mentioned the rank boy in Des Moines or the FTM top in Denver. According to my Master, these scenes were already set up, so it was too late to get approval.

4. Call before play

My Master said i should call before starting play. However, this is often difficult - i don't know how far flirting could go. i mean, i often have expectations and hopes, but am not sure how it plays out one-on-one in person. i would hate to lead a guy on... bring him to my house, only to make a phone call and say, "Sorry, i guess this isn't going to happen."

Somehow between not meeting a guy and having sex, there has got to be an appropriate time to call my Master. However, i am not sure what that is yet.

#58
04/06/2008 10:07:00

Today Master Rich sent me a Formal Notice of Termination. i wanted to put notice out that He is no longer my Master, for training or in any other capacity. That makes me feel terrible, because i've realized that i need to serve in order to be happy. i thought i could have that relationship with Him. Now, i have to find another person to connect with, because the Master/slave dynamic really feels right and natural to me. i'm embarrassed to admit that, and i still have a lot of trouble talking about it with friends. i feel like an idiot and a fool for being a slave, and i still get made fun at a lot by my friends. "Come over and clean my fucking windows!" They call themselves leathermen, but they don't really get it. Well, damn... i thought i had a good Master, and now i'm back at square one.

Here is the email from my former Master:

Effective immediately

I have stayed up intentionally till 1:00 am (MT) to see if you were going to make a joural entry this evening. Since I have seen you on RECON I assumed that you were available and able to send an entry as you stated you would. Although you punishment did include no contact with me for a week, as you know your orders where sitll to make your journal entries, read the BoyRules and affirmations.

Also, although my orders included no contact, it did not exclude you from your additional orders to make you entry, since it is also your responsiblity and your stated intent, that you clarify any order which was confusing to you, therefore:

Through your impertinence, you have given me no recourse but to terminate any further training.

Reason(s):

1. Repeated disobedience to basic Rules of Submissive
2. Failure to make Joural entries as directed.
3. Direct and purposeful disrespect for Master
4. Direct and intentional disobedience to orders

Here is my explanation:

I just got back today from a business trip to Des Moines for my family business. Our chemical plant exploded last year, and i had to return to handle some tax stuff. Not a fun trip. i told my former Master that i would have a laptop while i was gone from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning, and while could check email, i couldn't post to my blog. i use Microsoft Expressions web software form a PC at home. The mac powerbook laptop doesn't have that program, so i have to wait until i get home. i told my Master that i would email Him each day, but post all the entries to my blog when i got back. Evidently, he misunderstood me.

i posted an email from the hotel room at 9:57 CST, 10:57 MST

Subject: Hotel thoughts on 4/5/2008
From: kellogg@dim.com
Date:Sat, April 5, 2008 9:57 pm
To: (corrct email at hotmail)
Cc: kellogg@dim.com
Priority: Normal

(post number #57 above)

i think part of the problem is that he didn't understand the difference between email and posting html. But really, i think this is His excuse to get out of the arrangement. He mentioned wanting to discontinue the Training several times last week, and i think He just got tired of putting up with my bullshit. Using my blog as a reason is as good as any. Well, i'm incredibly sad about all of this - i really thought the six month training period was a great compromise between 24/7 slavery and quick "dungeon scenes". i really want to form a bond with  Master that wants to see me grow, push my limits, and explore boundaries together.

#59
04/08/2008 08:01:00

Well *that* didn't work out.

I still have a huge WTF feeling toward the whole Master/slave relationship. i can't believe that my Master confused an email with an html post, after i explained to him my plans during the recent business trip. No, that was just a convenient excuse to end the training, and i was dismissed.

i've broken up with boyfriends in the past, and it hurts. It hurts worse when you are the one who gets dumped. But i didn't expect it to hurt so bad to be uncollared as a slave. i guess the imbalance of the power dynamics makes it extremely painful. i gave my body and mind and soul whole-heartedly, and in return i was rejected. It will take a long time to get over that.

#60
05/01/2008 12:00:05

By coincidence, this is the last post of this section. So, it seems to me to be a good place to table my "slave blog" for a while. The first set of posts were about a three day training session i did with Master JW. The second two sets of posts were about the recent three weeks i spent with Master Rich. Next time, i'm hoping for three months! <grin>. Wish me luck... i'm not done trying to find a mutually satisfying Master/slave relationship... but i am done with this blog for now.